Slow, but sure...

We finally have gotten a handle on the treatment program. I was able to go fishing today with Bruce, my father-in-law. The fishing part wasn't what we hoped for, but I was able to leave early, take all my supplements with me, and stay out until 4pm with no problems. Being able to stick with this program exactly, but still have the freedom to do the things that I enjoy made it a great day. I will be looking forward to many more. Hopefully, with a few more fish!

B.

Treatment or Disease?

Treatment or Disease?

I had sort of a bad night last night. I felt okay and didn’t have any pain. I just couldn’t sleep. It has become apparent that the Hydrocodone that I needed for pain management has become physically and/or psychologically important for a decent night’s sleep. That, in and of itself, is not a big problem. The tough part is that part of my enzyme therapy is a fairly intense detoxification. So if the meds are not for pain, I need to get off of them. I decided that last night should be the night to start. I lay awake until about 3 am, unable to sleep. If it was just insomnia, that would stink enough. Instead, I get a very intensely uncomfortable and restless feeling in my arms and legs that make it impossible to lay still. I start to fidget and end up fairly miserable. That is where the fun really starts. As I get increasingly more irritated that I can’t sleep, all the other injustices start to flare up. This program that I am on is very structured. Pills, juices, saunas, and other less delicate parts of the protocol take place between every half hour to hour throughout the course of the day. While just drinking a vegetable juice or swallowing a handful of pills doesn’t sound obnoxious and exhausting, take my word for it, it becomes that way. When your day becomes a steady stream of “have to’s” and very few “want to’s”, it becomes easy to dread the arrival of a new cycle of treatment. It makes you look forward to a night of uninterrupted sleep. When you can’t have that, ironically because of another pill, it can make you a bit agitated. I am being descriptive about this not because I want to upset those close to me or to garner sympathy. My wife dedicates her day and her life to the preservation of mine. She works tirelessly day after day to make sure that I have the pills, the juice, or anything else I need. The only time she complains is if I am trying to do more than I should instead of saving my energy for healing. So, I wondered what I was trying to say. I almost wadded this up and threw it away as I got to this point. Then I remembered why I decided to start this blog. To share my experience in the hopes that others would be able to relate and find hope. I know that I am not unique. Others have cancer. Others have afflictions, sickness, and trials. Others lose hope and are not sure where to find it again. Others have treatments that are far more invasive and harsh than what I go through daily. Sometimes, in down moments, the treatment seems like a bigger pain than the disease. That is where the support is really needed. Not only to support you through the disease, but to distract you through the treatment. Sometimes you wonder’ “Will all this effort pay off?” and “Am I using the last time I have left on a ridiculous wild goose chase?” I won’t know the answer to that until it works or it doesn’t. If your child was on a bike and about to be hit by a bus, would you only leap to save him or her if you knew the outcome? Of course not. Life or death decisions call for a leap of faith and to believe that it will work out. One way or another. What I have found is that each person can’t be all things to you. My wife, Florence Ratchet (part Nightingale and part Nurse Ratchet from “One Flew over the Cuckoos’ Nest), not her real name, is dedicated to taking care of me. Sometimes she has to nudge me in the direction I need to go. My Dad, my kids, and my brothers are there to distract me and make me laugh. My Mom, Mom-In-Law, and my sister support me and my wife in whatever way needed. They are not all things individually, but together they are everything. It boils down to why you want to overcome the situation. With mine, it is because I will always do all I can to show my children that life is worth living. It isn’t easy sometimes, but the good times far outnumber the bad. The hard times fade after you move through them. If this wasn’t true, mothers would never have more than one baby. When I get stuck in a dark place and wonder if the treatment is worth the cure, I look at the effort of my wife and kids, the love and support of family and friends and realize that sometimes they know better than I do. I just need to put one foot in front of the other each day and know that I will look back at this someday and have one hell of a story to tell.
PS – I feel a lot better this morning. :)

Awake from my Siesta!

Sorry for the delay between posts. We have relocated to Montana to work on this Enzyme Therapy. I have been on it for about 4 months and have seen the progression slow to almost a stable condition. It is only a 3 month window, so we will have to be patient and continue to work at it. It is, however, reason for hope. We have started with a new guide on this journey with our enzymes and feel that she is the right one to help. She has a very structured program and leaves very little to interpretation. As any of you who are on this same path know, that is a huge step in the right direction. My PSA dropped from 21.3 to 14 after the radiation was complete. That is not unusual, but with the stable bone scan, before the radiation, we feel like we are stringing together some good signs. I am going to post how this therapy works later tonight or tomorrow. Hope all is well with all of you!
B.

Finally!

Good news. Finally. I had my Bone Scan and CT Scan today along with radiation. I was able to get my results on the CT Scan and it showed a decrease in the area around my bladder and prostate, a shrinking in the lymph nodes, no further activity in the bone, and no change in the nodule on the lung and liver. The liver lesion is now noted as a low-attention indeterminate lesion, which according to this test, is most likely, not cancer. It still could be, but is less likely. This is compared to the scan 3 months ago. I was on Casodex the first month of that, but after, only Lupron and the Pancreatic Enzymes from the Kelley Protocol. It is still too early to determine if the enzymes were the cause of the static condition, but it is great news that it has not progressed in the last 3 months. I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers and believe that it had a great impact on my recent scans. Thank all of you very much! We will continue on the Enzymes and the juicing in hopes that we can continue our progress. We are on the move again to Teresa's mom's place in Libby, Montana. She and her husband, Bruce, are building a Yurt. Look it up, it's pretty cool. It is like a round heavy duty canvas cabin. We will be in closer proximity to Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt Lake that has the newest treatments for Prostate Cancer. My Mom and her husband, Mack, have been very gracious hosts to us over the last 3 months and my brothers, sister, Dad and his wife, Linda, have been awesome. They have made a way to accomodate every need and it will be difficult to leave them again, but we are confident that this will be the environment and the location we need to finally get in front of this thing. We will be leaving in about 2 weeks and will continue to post from there. It is hard to keep moving, but our flexibility is our friend right now. I will have the PSA and final Bone Scan report next Wednesday. Fingers crossed for results confirming today's good news.Brian.

No Pain!

I started radiation on Thursday and had a lot of pain Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I spent much of each day in bed. I don't know if the radiation made me so tired, if it was the pain, or the pain killers to alleviate it. Today, I woke up and felt much better. The pain in my hip is almost non-existent. It hasn't felt like this in weeks or months. Funny how the absence of pain makes you so happy. I took that for granted for a very long time. I am hopeful that this is a new and on-going development and not just the eye of the hurricane. I think we will do something as a family today and get out of the house. I had to reschedule my bone scan and ct scan for Friday July 2, so we will see how that goes next week. I hope all is well with all of you and my prayers are with you. I have posted a new writing on the tab above today for all that are interested titled Acceptance and Humility.
All my best.
Brian.

Today's Doctor appointment

Back to the oncologist today to discuss the latest blood test results. PSA has risen to 13.7. This was after being on Casodex for a month and then off of Casodex for a month on withdrawal therapy. The cancer seems to be completely Hormone Independent. The next step will be to search for the availability of Provenge. This is the newly FDA approved Prostate Cancer treatment. It is only offered in a few places and generally has a waiting list. Once we find out if I can get this treatment, I will go on Ketoconozale with Hydrocortisone. I can’t do these at the same time, so I will only do the Ketoconozale if I have to wait on the Provenge. The next step would be Chemo. I will see the Radiation Oncologist tomorrow to map out radiation treatments for my right hip which has grown increasingly painful over the last 2 weeks or so. I also will get a Bone Scan and CT Scan on Thursday and hopefully will have preliminary results on Friday. Say a prayer that the “indeterminate” spots on my liver and lung are unrelated and have not changed or grown. Those are big concerns. We will continue to search and fight. I am still working with the Kelley Pancreatic Enzyme Therapy. We will add some of the juices from the Gerson Therapy, also. Some may call it denial, but it is only denial if you quit fighting and hope you get better doing nothing. We are hoping for big improvements, by working hard. Hope all is well with all of you.
Brian.

Why I Try

Through this treatment of cancer, it is always interesting to talk to and correspond with others going through similar trials. For every patient, the treatment varies slightly. Even though conventional treatments for cancer follow a well defined and researched path, patients always put varying degrees of emphasis on spirituality, diet, nutrition, supplements, attitude, outside support, etc. What also seems to vary is the desire to fight and the reasons for it. Some that have lived a long, full life may have an acceptance of their disease that others, stricken at an earlier point in their life, refuse to acknowledge. With 2 young children and a dear wife trying to juggle these seismic changes, I put myself in the latter category. Some diagnosis, regardless of age, are so dire that it leaves few options but to “put your affairs in order”, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Again, while I am not having much fun with my diagnosis, I do have the luxury of options and time. Time to reflect. Time to research. Time to repair. Time to Fight. It is too simplistic to say that I fight for self preservation or fear of the unknown when this life is done. Of course, those things are true. My faith allows me to worry a lot less about life after this one, but it also teaches me that this life is precious. Something to be defended and protected. I think the biggest reason of “Why I Try” is the love that I have for others and the love that they have for me. If the last example I can leave for my children is that I would not give up, not doing as I say, but do as I do. Sometimes the victory isn’t always only in the outcome, but the dignity, grace, and valor of the battle. I want my children, my wife, my family, and my friends to know that I love them enough to fight with every ounce of energy to win this war and remain with them until God calls me home, not just until it gets too difficult. The love and support given to me give me strength to try new treatments, as alternative as some of them are, because if there is a chance, I owe it to myself and all of you to endure to the end and make this life all it is supposed to be. When my time is up, I will know. It’s not my time. That is why I try.