Anniversary

Today was our 15th Wedding Anniversary. Amazing how times fly by. Even though we didn't do anything too special, we decided to observe the holiday next week while the kids are in camp. Not sure what we will do, but we will set aside some time for us to enjoy the 15 years we have spent together. We had a good marriage before this cancer, but it has somehow intensified our relationship into something we consider sacred. I feel the love she has for me in so much more of an eternal and spirtual sense. I feel that through this trial, our family has become one. So while I am generally not in favor of testing your marriage through serious illness, ours has prospered. On a medical note, I started Abiraterone and Predisone today. It took a couple of days to work it through the insurance. A one month's supply is $6,100. We have heard stories of copays of $3 up to $5,900. So we weren't sure what we were up against. The copay for us ended up $200 per month. Not ideal, but not a dealbreaker either. So here we go on this treatment. It has shown to drop PSA and stabilize disease so we will see. I will probably PSA test in 8 weeks and see if a CT is necessary at that point. Pray for a good response. We really need it. We are going through all of the options very quickly and have only a few left after this. All my best.

Brian.

Moving on...

I had my CT Scan and Labs on Wednesday and met with the doctor on Friday. It seems that the effects of the Chemo were very short lived and my cancer has progressed. I thought from the pain in the bladder and guts that it might have and that was confirmed. The tumor from the prostate is growing further against the bladder putting a pinch on it that is pretty painful without pain meds, so I am back on the regular schedule of hydrocodone and morphine. The morphine works well, but I fight fatigue with it. No other choice right now. I go to see the surgeon on July 5th to see if there are some other options to take some of the pressure off of my bladder and other guts. The PSA came back and, while I knew it would be up, it surprised me by jumping from 14, 8 weeks ago, to a 98. That's doubling 2 and a half times in 8 weeks. So what this means is that it is obvious that Taxotere has done what it could and we need to move quickly to Abiraterone or Zytiga. Same drug. Abiraterone is the clinical name and Zytiga is the brand name. It has had some nice success for people like me. It is another hormone blocker, but this one stops the Adrenal Gland from producing testosterone and also the cancer cells themselves from producing their own hormones. Tricky little devils aren't they? It was found that the cancer cells can produce their own testosterone among many other things, including cholesterol. So that is what a cancer patient is up against. Highly aggressive, highly adaptable, rapidly multiplying. I was going to write this update last night, but I received an email that took all of the energy out of me. A man named Ted that I was in Reno with and shared experiences and treatment options with passed away. While I only knew Ted for a short time, the loss felt substantial. We sat next to each other for 2 weeks, 6 hours a day in Reno and talked about everything. He fought Lung Cancer(worked in Auto Body for many years) with everything that him and his wife Kim had. They are an example of marriage that how-to books should be written about. If you want to learn what marriage is really all about, hang around someone that has been diagnosed with a serious illness or disability. The ones that tell you that they have a good marriage are not giving it enough credit. You could not have found selfishness in Ted and Kim's marriage with a microscope. They are such an inspiration to my wife and I and I pray for Kim's strength and support. She has fallen hard because she and Ted flew so high. I will miss Ted and I hate this disease for its uncanny knack for taking the best ones.

All for now.

B.

More tests next week...

The last few weeks have been pretty quiet. I have run into a couple times when I wish I was feeling a little better, but mostly have been able to get done what I needed to. I go back next Wednesday for a CT and Labs and to meet with the Doctor on Friday. The pain seems to be present much more often as well as some fatigue, but we seem to have gotten a handle on most of it with medicine. I have been hearing from more and more people out there with different types of cancer. I appreciate the emails. I think it is good for us to know how others are making improvements in their lives, even emotional, if not physical. It is a comforting feeling to know that even though you would never wish this on anyone, you have others to lean on when you need it. Thank you so much for all of you that continue to write and/or comment!

Will let you know about tests next week!

Best to all!

Brian.

Treatment Holiday

I went to get my port flushed yesterday and to get my monthly bone strengthener injection. For those that don't know, I have a port-catheter in my chest. It is like a little button that is piped directly into a main line for circulation. Whenever I have an IV, they poke a needle into it and the IV is administered through there. It keeps them from having to find a vein in my arm for an IV each time I get an infusion or have blood drawn. It was handy with all of the infusions, but I am not sure how long I will keep it in if I don't need to have infusions nearly as much. The bone strengthener used to be a monthly IV, but now it is just an injection. The port needs to be flushed monthly with Heparin to keep it from clogging and trying to clot. Gross, huh? The bone strengthener has been working really well since early on to keep the progress of the cancer in the bone at bay. I started with Zometa, switched to Pamidronate, and now get Denosumab as an injection. My moods have been up and down a little over the last few weeks and my mom had some insight into why it might be. She worked as an RN for years and said that sometimes even while you are having chemo or other tough treatments, it still feels like you are battling it with something. Once you are on a treatment holiday, one your body needs after chemo, it can feel like the cancer is free to run its course because you are enjoying the benefits of the chemo, but not currently on any medication to treat the cancer. I think that is true in my case. I am fighting it other ways also, but the conventional treatments have had the most recognizable effects. I will have a CT in 4 weeks, along with another PSA, so that will truly tell the tale. All for now. My best to all!

Brian.

Fish 0 - Dad & Brian 27

It turns out that my scouting expedition on Tuesday paid dividends on Thursday. We started out a little slow, but then got into a hole where we caught keeper after keeper as quick as we could put them in the livewell. Mark Twain Lake is known for Crappie and it is spawn season, so we hit it at the right time. Even better than the fishing was the company and we had a great time on a beautiful day. It was a day well spent. Pictures are trapped on my phone. When I figure out how to negotiate their release, I will post them. I hope all of you are enjoying your spring, as well! My best to you!

B.

Fish 1 - Brian 0

I was finally able to get out and go fishing today. While I did catch a couple little ones, the fish emerged victorious today. It was invigorating to get out on the water and in the sunshine. Beautiful day, boat ran well, didn't sink, etc. It didn't really matter to me about the size of the catch today. It is just a mood adjuster to get outside and do something that I really enjoy. I will be heading out again on Thursday with a much more focused approach to my "catching" so hopefully some pictures will be accompanying the glowing fishing report! All for now. All my best to all.

B.

Lost

Sometimes I wonder if this is all real. Is the cancer real and is my life really threatened by it? I know these things are true, but sometimes, a lot of the time, it seems like a really bad dream. I am one of those restless people that are continually striving towards something. It was the reason that my family relocated more times than I care to remember, even though I would not give up any of them due to the friends that I made at each and every one of them, many that follow these writings. Lately I am caught in the middle of living and dying. I have written brave words about living, and I walk that walk most of the time, but sometimes, like now, I feel lost in my own life. Not sure if I have many years, a few years, or maybe just one or two before the buzzer sounds and it's over. I know that no one is guaranteed anything and any minute could be anyone's last. But there is an invincibility of youth and good health one moment and the next filled with phrases like, "There is no cure" and "We don't know how long you have" and " You have young children? I'm so sorry". I thought the hard part was hearing the news and the initial shock of it all before you get you wits about you again. The hard part is trying to go to sleep, after you have exhausted most of the treatment options, with images of your wife and children crying over a casket with you in it. Then the worries of have I done enough for them. To give them the strength they will need. Peace. Character. Have I been enough of a Dad to make up for not being able to see it through? Will there be enough for them to lean on when they need it most, and I am not there? Have I supported my wife enough that she will be able to get through without her companion? These are the things that occupy my mind right now. I want to have peace with them and move back to living life the way I was intended, but I am truly stuck. Sometimes the fear and anguish of these thoughts keep me from doing the very things that I fear I won't be able to do. How twisted is that? I hate writing these things sometimes and hesitated posting this, but I need to get this stuff out and I know that others that read this blog have similar trials and need to know that they are not alone, and I will not let pride interfere with that. My advice to me is to get out ASAP and do something for someone to take my mind off of me. Works everytime. Sorry for the downer. Peaks and Valleys. Peaks and Valleys.