Finishing Radiation

I am now 8 treatments of 12 through the radiation designed to shrink the tumor that has attached itself to my prostate, bladder, and colon. I have not really seen much benefit yet, but it is really too early to see the result of radiation. It takes time for the cancer to try to relplicate and then die to see shrinkage of the tumor and then, hopefully, a reduction in the pressure against all of the nerves in the area of my lower spine. I should start to see a change in about 2-3 weeks, though. The visit to the doctor last Friday showed the PSA rising from 96 to 140. I suspected that we were in store for a jump, so I wasn't surprised. The radiation should give a temporary drop in PSA when it kicks in, also. It strikes me sometimes at how surreal this whole situation is. Over and over. Kind of like those videos where the guy slips in the mud and keeps trying to get up, only to fall back down again and again. I feel like I get it, only to realize, through more reality, that I don't. The good thing is, I don't feel like I have to anymore. I have realized that, through family and friends, that my life is so full and so much love surrounds me and my family right now that I don't have to worry about all the little nuances of whether I will beat this or not. I finally feel that I have given this situation over to the God of my understanding. I know he loves me and my family and he is going to do what is best. I used to wonder about people who thought that way. I thought, how can they turn what is obviously so important over to someone that that can't see and aren't even sure has a stake in their daily life. What I realized is that when you really start to appreciate daily life and look at the little things that find themselves mysteriously fitting into place for prayerful people, God most certainly has a stake in my daily life. My Dad and Mom don't run my daily life for me, but they have a deep regard for me and how each day goes for me. They are there for me, if I only ask. God is like that for me. All prayers don't get answered the way I would like, and I used to think that that was a cop out, too. You just say, "It wasn't His Will". But when I look at the amazing things that have come from my journey, I feel partly like it is an honor to be his instrument in tightening relationships, building unshakable faith, showing the world that a marriage can be sacred, raising children to see that life is worth fighting for, and trying to demonstrate that the event that comes at the end for all of us does not have to be full of fear and panic. It can be a way to sum up what went right, what could have gone better, and pitfalls that my children can avoid because they used my roadmap. Having no faith in anything would make this a terrifying event for me, but I am at peace. If what God is giving to us freely is false, any drug would pale in comparison. The feelings that I get by reading emails from those who read my blog from around the world can't be found any other way but service to your fellow man. And this is not that hard for me. I hope that any skeptics out there can find their way to the serenity that I have found when their time approaches. It is not the screeching of the tires as the car hits the tree, it is the peaceful cruise over the next hill into the sunset.