Points of View

I was thinking about how some of my postings can have very different reactions from different people. For instance, a recent post about making whatever time I have left to be relevant and meaningful struck a few as though I was giving in to this disease, but others took it as an appreciation of time being short and an opportunity to fulfill responsibility. I received a couple emails that were very concerned that I had given up the fight. It can be hard to convey very specific emotions in writing about these types of subjects. I think partly because many of those that read my blog have a very tough fight of their own. I wondered why there could be such a wide spectrum of perception about my writings and that of others who chronicle their journey, as well. What occurred to me was that many who read what I write are emotionally invested to some degree. Some are invested with me, many others with their own battle or that of a loved one. If you consider that almost everyone who reads this could put themselves on a scale dealing with loss - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. This is kind of a long way to go to illustrate my point, but necessary. If someone is writing from a place of acceptance, but the person reading it from a place of anger or denial, they may have a much different perspective of the writing than was intended. This doesn't just deal with writings, but in many ways of understanding where someone stands who has an illness or a loved one who is trying to cope with the eventual loss of someone dear to them. Unless we truly walk in that person's shoes, we can't see what they see. We can't judge or criticize their dealings with a trial, when it is likely that we are not in the same place as they are. We all deal with loss or potential loss at our own pace and with our own comfort level. We can't question someone who seems to be in one phase longer than we were in that phase. It has to be enough to walk out our own trials at the pace that emphasizes the lessons that God would have us learn. Christ was the only one who could take on the pain and trials for all of us. The rest of us must be content to stand by those in trials and offer love and support. Maybe through empathy and compassion we will be able to better understand the view of our fellow man.

Times Like These

My son and I went to the Foo Fighters concert in St. Louis tonight and even though I have heard this song hundreds of times, even in the context of my current battle, hearing in done live and in an accoustic setting was a great reminder.

It's times like these you learn to live again

It's times like these you give and give again

It's times like these you learn to love again

It's times like these time and time again

Foo Fighters - Times Like These

Peace to all of you tonight.

Brian.

MRI + PSA = : (

I had an MRI on Tuesday of this week and it shows that although they have been addressing the tumors in my abdomen as 2 individual tumors, it is very likely that it is one tumor. They described it as about the shape and size of a hand. It has invaded the bladder on one end and now covers about a third of the bladder. The other end is the end that is pressing against the rectal wall. They can't rule out that the tumor has started to invade the rectal wall, as well. That could be trouble because it potentially could perforate the bowel causing me to become septic. That is a long hospital stay with lots of antibiotics, and could be fatal. They compared it to an appendix bursting. The pain has become an issue. I can still hold it off with meds, but it is controlled relief morphine around the clock and hydrocodone or oxycodone when it flares up. We thought we were addressing only pain relief, but now it seems that it would not be prudent to wait and see what this tumor does. We are fortunate in that my pain is pretty much localized to that tumor and I don't have extreme pain in multiple areas. This means they can radiate the tumor and expect some relief. The unfortunate part is that I have had radiation in some of these areas already (last year) on my right hip and it is dangerous to re-radiate, especially the bowel. They are working on a plan to find a clear path and only radiate the tumor. I should know late next week what the final plan will be. Even though we still have a long way to go, the technology is amazing. On a med note, the MRI confirmed and the PSA added the exclamation point. The PSA went to 96 again. The Abiraterone and Predisone are ineffective for me now and the doctor took me off of them. We'll go with radiation now, and pursue the clinical trial for XL-184. My best to you all!!

B.

Please remember that September is Prostate Cancer Awareness Month. If you can donate, please go to www.pcf.org and look for the "Donate" tab in the top left box. Prostate Cancer and Breast Cancer statistics are very similar, yet the funding for PC is nowhere near where it needs to be. Let's take the fight to Prostate Cancer instead of letting it bring the battle to us. Another great way to show support is to change your porch lights to blue for the month. When the neighbors ask why, let them know. Hopefully they will follow suit and donate as well. We need all the help we can get to slow this disease down. Everything helps. God Bless all of you!!!

Brian.