Birthday Party

I celebrated my 42nd birthday on Saturday with my family with a wonderful party at my house. My sister and all of my brothers were able to be there as well as my parents and their spouses. There were also so many more family and friends that were in my mind and heart as they had expressed their wishes and thoughts. I had a blood transfusion on Friday, so I wasn't sure how the energy would hold up, but other than a short little nap towards the end of the party, I was able to participate and have some fun with everyone. The pain in my hip, abdomen, back, etc had been getting a little worse lately so we talked to the doctor and the nurse at the transfusion to determine options. The doctor informed us that there are no more treatment options. The clinical trial for the bones requires you to be off of all other hormone blockers and any other treatments besides pain meds. My bone pain is not the issue. I have bone pain, but it is managed by the medications. My main issues are the tumor growth working it's way into the colon and bowel. If it causes a perforation, I would become septic and the results are dire. I also have enlarged lymph nodes that have cut off urine drainage and have to rely on bypass tubes and bags to clear the fluids from my kidneys or I will be in acute renal failure. I also take twice daily injections to clear a blood clot from my upper left leg so it doesn't break loose and cause severe damage in the lung, heart, or brain. The bladder, prostate, and other soft tissue problems persist without any let up as well. I don't list these things for sympathy or excuse but to explain. The doctor cites these reasons as his reasons to refer me to hospice. Hospice is care for those that have no further treatment options, but need dedicated care to handle pain management and the side effects of those drugs. It means that my care will mostly come to my house instead of me traveling to the doctor so much. My pain meds can be changed instantly instead of waiting for the next appointment. There is so much to look at that makes sense with this care and know that I will likely have the best quality of life and the most comfort with this plan. It also means that I am not surviving this disease. It means that my time is likely winding down and I need to place all emphasis on enjoying that time with my family and friends. I don't accept a timeline and one was not given. But I do know what this means. It was simple to see it in the nurse's eyes as she gave us the rundown on what is next. What is next is that we will meet with the Hospice people this week and then likely get started. I look forward to the pain relief, but the term Hospice and what it inspires scares me a little. I had a good talk with my Dad about this and he reminded me that this is what my faith has been building me towards. Now is the time to draw from that well and know that Heavenly Father has an infinite supply of care and love for my family and me. I know He will be enough. I pray that I can be.
B.

Looking for blood in all the wrong places...

Well, unfortunately I am still leaking. The good side is that it is only when I attempt a BM. All of the muscles tense and we assume puts undue pressure on the bladder where the cancer has intruded through the bladder wall. The blood that has already leaked, pooled and clotted, in addition to new blood being pushed out is forced out from my bladder in the most conventional of ways. However, I have gotten very used to what fluids come from where, and how it feels when they are ejected. At almost 42 years old, these are new and unpleasant sensations. As of right now, my hemoglobin still sits at 10.2, so the blood loss is not consequential and my body and occasional transfusion make up the difference. The other option is to knock me out and using a catherter, go to the bladder the very unpleasant way and cauterize the bleeder. Could help, but could make it worse. The plan for know is to maintain what we have unless the bleeding gets to be so much that the transfusion and body production can't keep up, then we would have no choice. The other thing is that if the bleeding seems particularly heavy, I could skip one of my twice daily Lovenox blood thinning shots to help it heal a little faster before more pressure aggravates it again. All for now. Blood work in 2 weeks, see the doctor in 4. Will update if anything interesting is happening..
My best to all!!
Love ya!
B.