I wasn't sure if I wanted to share all of the details of my life with cyberspace, but my whole purpose of this blog was to help others identify and relate with my situation so they know that they were not alone. By helping others, I am helped.
I am not sure what happened or how, but after a phone consultation with a doctor, my mood collapsed. I am not afraid of what might happen (right now), but I don't want to get worse and deteriorate in front of the people I love. I don't want to say goodbye to my kids and my wife. I don't want to look at my parents, brothers, and sister from a hospital bed. In short, I am scared. I'm not quite 40 and was not prepared to think about this or make preparations for these things. I have spent the last hour or two fighting tears, and mostly losing. My dear, sweet wife is here to support me and believe in me. I need her strength because sometimes, I don't have any. I am not feeling sorry for myself, just helpless. I want to do the things that will help, it's just not clear what all of those things are. I know my family loves me and I am blessed with many great friends. For all of these reasons, I will fight harder, learn more, and pray more sincerely. I am not alone...and never will be.
Brian: I too was very sad last night after talking to you regarding your conversation with Dr. Rowen. It was a mixture of sadness and outrage toward this Dr.. I too want the whole story in many ways as to your treatment options and your prognosis. But comapssionate spirit is part of a doctor's response and helpful nature. This man lacked compassion and bedside manner that I feel is part of a professional and needed support in this instance. While I agree he gave you valuable information to verify and think about, his manner of delivering it was outrageous and lacked any kind of professionalism. That said, his information in general can not be dismissed and pushed aside just because of his delivery. It needs to be talked about with the physicians who have already formed a bond of trust with. And then and only then can you move forward. You have so many decisions to make and I know this is overwhelming to you and Teresa and everyone. You know that your whole family supports and loves you. I feel so helpless. All I have to offer to you and Teresa and the kids is unconditional support and love for your choices and whateveer needs you have. I am always here for you in any role that you need me to assume. Mack and I really want you to understand that our home is your home for as long as you need it to be. You and your family are welcome to move in tommorrow and stay forever if that is what you need. We would consider it a blessing to have you under our roof. Just know that that offer is always there and offered unconditionally to meet your needs and desires.
ReplyDeleteI love you more than life itself. I wish I could trade places with you and that this was me going through this ordeal instead of you. I have had all the experiences of life that I want for you. I am at a happy place in my relationships with both my husband and my kids. I do not need more. But you do need so musch more time and experiences. And I pray that this time is given to you.
I too cried very hard when we hung up last night. I tried to be distracted but nothing would distract me. We will hope for good news today from those blood tests and then you can go on and make the other decisions that you must make regarding your continued care. Because of your spirit and determination I know that you will continue to fight, learn, and pray. You are not alone in this fight Brian.. And you are right--you never will be. I love you more than words can say, Mom