Sometimes I wonder if this is all real. Is the cancer real and is my life really threatened by it? I know these things are true, but sometimes, a lot of the time, it seems like a really bad dream. I am one of those restless people that are continually striving towards something. It was the reason that my family relocated more times than I care to remember, even though I would not give up any of them due to the friends that I made at each and every one of them, many that follow these writings. Lately I am caught in the middle of living and dying. I have written brave words about living, and I walk that walk most of the time, but sometimes, like now, I feel lost in my own life. Not sure if I have many years, a few years, or maybe just one or two before the buzzer sounds and it's over. I know that no one is guaranteed anything and any minute could be anyone's last. But there is an invincibility of youth and good health one moment and the next filled with phrases like, "There is no cure" and "We don't know how long you have" and " You have young children? I'm so sorry". I thought the hard part was hearing the news and the initial shock of it all before you get you wits about you again. The hard part is trying to go to sleep, after you have exhausted most of the treatment options, with images of your wife and children crying over a casket with you in it. Then the worries of have I done enough for them. To give them the strength they will need. Peace. Character. Have I been enough of a Dad to make up for not being able to see it through? Will there be enough for them to lean on when they need it most, and I am not there? Have I supported my wife enough that she will be able to get through without her companion? These are the things that occupy my mind right now. I want to have peace with them and move back to living life the way I was intended, but I am truly stuck. Sometimes the fear and anguish of these thoughts keep me from doing the very things that I fear I won't be able to do. How twisted is that? I hate writing these things sometimes and hesitated posting this, but I need to get this stuff out and I know that others that read this blog have similar trials and need to know that they are not alone, and I will not let pride interfere with that. My advice to me is to get out ASAP and do something for someone to take my mind off of me. Works everytime. Sorry for the downer. Peaks and Valleys. Peaks and Valleys.
Brian, I read your words like they are my own. I think anyone who has had cancer has these same thoughts. You are not alone in your feelings. It is good to get them out, and not hold them in. I don't know you, but just from reading your posts, I would say you are an incredible father and spouse. It is on the darkest nights that stars shine their brightest. I wish you peace and continued prayers for a recovery from this terrible disease.
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