I know that my last entry was a bit of a cliffhanger. To clear the rest of the story, my Doctor told me that it is likely that I have a year or less to live. This is based on the short amount of time that any treatment has been effective and the mostly ineffectiveness of the last few modalities. It is truly amazing how the mental progression of this disease brings about different perceptions and epiphanies. I guess it is similar to the steps of grief. Denial can go on for awhile, leave and come back. Anger is an occasional visitor, varying in intensity. Acceptance comes, but in stages and levels. Different depths. Usually with a little depression and anger thrown in to spice it up a bit. The Doctor did not volunteer this timeline. He even added the disclaimer that he is not, nor has ever been, in possession of a crystal ball. But we did not have to push very hard to get this prognosis. So now the philisophical question of "What would you do if you had 1 year to live?" becomes a little more interesting. First of all, it is a guess. Educated yes, but still a guess. So does this even change anything? Yes, and no. No because people outlive their prognosis on a daily basis. Yes because it knocks you back on your heels enough to require a fresh look at what you are doing and when the real last day comes, was it relevant and meaningful, to me. It has to be to me because at that point, the rough draft becomes the final draft, and there are no more re-writes. So secondly becomes, if this news is more or less accurate, how does my focus narrow to lock in on the meaningful and relevant? I am a planet that revolves around my family. That means going over financial, estate planning, and funeral plans. These things are important for any family with children, but my sense of urgency to complete them has grown. The bigger part of my family's needs must be met by postings like these and the journals that I keep for each of my children and my wife. I am working on videotapes of me explaining to my children my beliefs and values that I hold dear. Sometimes the written word isn't the best way to convey the love and hope that I have for them. Or the pride and joy that glows on my face when I talk to them or about them. That is what they need more than anything that I can tell them. My love for them is so intense and strong that it glows like a thousand suns when I speak to them and teach them. Mostly what news like that does is remind us all that we have a series of "Todays". Mine may be around 365, or so. Others may have even less. Hopefully all that read this will have many, many more. It isn't about how many we have, it is the blessing and responsibility of treating it for what it is. A gift from our Heavenly Father. If I wake up tomorrow truly thankful that I walk the earth for another day with my soulmate, marvel in the 2 beautiful children we are raising, acknowledge the love, the joy, the comfort, the fulfillment, the support, and the incredible peace that comes from all of those blessings, that is a pretty amazing day. I'll take as many as I can get. One Today at a time. After a bunch of Todays has come and gone, and it is time to go, my last minute will be with complete and utter certainty, my life was relevant and meaningful.
