Little angry today.

I kind of blew up today. Not in a classic Brian Melt Down kind of way. Those only happen every 4 or 5 years, but still enough to make a pro wrestler jealous. The ignition source was a decision on treatment that my wife and I made. It is to see a Doctor who specializes in Cancer Treatment in Tijuana, Mexico. After a whole lot of research, we feel that this is a move that is the right one. That doesn't mean we are right. In fact, we fully understand that we are looking at options that aren't supported by conventional medicine. The reason we chose this clinic, The San Diego Clinic, is because they are using methods that are basically conventional and have had clinical trials in the US, but have not been approved by the FDA, yet. They also integrate many methods used as conventional in Europe, such as Hyperthermia and Low Dose Chemo. The reason for the decision is that several doctors, at Huntsman Cancer, EuroMed in Phoenix, and a doctor in New York are fairly convinced that the cancer is still spreading aggressively in my bones and maybe soft tissue organs. We don't know this for sure yet, but the bone pain is not letting up much. In any case, even if it isn't, it is time to hit it while it is down. Time to go on the offensive. I wish I knew if this was the right decision, but I will have to settle for it being the best decision. As in, the best one I can make with the information that I have, at this point in time. Modern medicine does move quickly, but not quickly enough if you already have cancer. All of this brings me to my "Point of the Post". I might have to trademark that one. When you have cancer, it affects everyone around you. Friends, family, even casual acquaintances. I can't even begin to tell you the number of people who told me that after they found out that I had Prostate Cancer, they went to the doctor for a physical and told the doctor that they wanted their prostate checked. (Insert San Francisco joke here). I am very glad that it awakened men to make sure that they kept their health as a priority. It shows you the ripple effect that news like this brings. Imagine being a close friend or family member that has just received the phone call, " Mom, Dad, I have cancer." My family had never dealt with anything like this before and there is a learning curve for all of us. The worst kind of "On the Job Training". I don't consider myself a very self-centered person, but when I think about it, it happens. Some of it from necessity, some from tunnel vision while you try to analyze just what this means for you and your upcoming future. So while you try to accept all input from family and friends, it overwhelms you and causes temporary paralysis of the part of your brain that lets you make short and long term plans. You start to question every decision that you make for yourself and your family. You wonder if the plans and decisions are sound due to the mental stress that you are under and maybe even let others make decisions that you should make and you go along with it because you lack the confidence to make decisions on your own. These things happened to me to one degree or another. Not all the time, but some. Your family and friends only want the best for you so they want to help, but you are unable to tell them how. I love my family dearly and I have some of the best friends anyone is blessed enough to have. I think I have set expectations for some of these dear people that they could not have lived up to. They are trying to understand my decisions, but don't agree with some of them. I understand that. We are trying to look into a crystal ball that doesn't exist. I can't depend solely on what modern medicine has to offer, because for me, it isn't much. It damn sure isn't enough. What sounds simple has been a difficult concept for me, and I think some of my family, to grasp. What I, and maybe others in my postion need, is the love and support from those closest to us. During the deliberations, input is asked for and always considered. I don't know everything. I make bad decisions sometimes. But, when the polls close, and the votes are counted, and the decision is made, I need the love and unconditional support of my family and friends. I can't handle the real and imagined voices of "I think that was a bad decision" or "Why would he do that?" or "What are they thinking?". This isn't buying a car, this is life or death. My advice to those that are reading this and have cancer, please have this conversation with your family and close friends. They will understand and be happy that the path is clear for them. If you are family or friend to someone with cancer, please just ask to understand what they are considering, ask what you can do to help them gather information to make that decision, let them make their decision, and then love them and go to war for them to support their decision. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to make decisions on. Many bad decisions can be undone, or if not undone, repaired sufficiently. These types of situations are true crossroads in life. One that it is very difficult to turn back from, whether spiritually, emotionally, physically, or financially. These are decisions that need to be made when the situation forces it, not at the leisure of convenience. Sometimes, you have to make these choices in a matter of days with dire consequence. I have taken longer to pick out a shirt. When the decision is made, that is when the family and friends can answer the question, "How can I help you?" or "What do you need?". The answer is, anything you can do to let them know how much you love them, support their decision, and want to do what they need to bring this choice to fruition. Sounds simple, but in the heat of battle, when love combines with fear, the blinders go on and survival instinct kicks in. Sometimes, just a word of encouragement is all that is needed to turn confusion into confidence. I had this conversation with some that I love dearly and they understood it perfectly. I could not wish for better support from them. Their love for me strengthens me when I need it most. They inspire me to battle this crappy soul sucking disease. They give me hope that I can use their strength to win my battle. They would sacrifice all that they have and would ever have to see me well. I know this because I feel the same way about them. To think, all I needed to do was open my mouth and tell them... Don't wait to have these conversations with the ones you love, cancer isn't even required :) .