Lost Post

I wrote this post on about December 15, 2010 in my notebook. After reading it again, there are some important feelings here that I think need to be shared, even if it is out of order a bit.

December 15, 2010

Tonight is one of those nights that I feel like I have something to important to get out, but can't put my finger on what exactly that it is. I had some pain in my lower stomach last month and was fairly certain that the cancer was on the move again. When the bloodwork confirmed that the PSA had risen from 2.8 to 16.6, I was not shocked. The Doctors increased my dosage of Ketoconozale to the maximum and the pain subsided a bit. The PSA quickly dropped to 10.7. Over the last couple of days, the pain is back, with an increase in duration and intensity. Nothing terrible. Many have had much worse, but the pain is a reminder. Kind of like an alarm clock. When you feel like you finally fall into that deep, restful sleep, the alarm blares and lets you know that your brief respite from reality is over and it is time to face it again. This particular dose of reality has not been well-received by me, unfortunately. A couple of days ago, when the pain came back, I was angry. Angry at the rug being pulled out from under my life. Angry that a long term decision in my life can only be 2-3 months in the future. Really angry that this circumstance has frozen the lives of the 3 most important people on this planet to me, my wife and 2 kids. I have always been very independent, many times traveling the road less traveled, with mixed results. I know now that there are 2 sides to me. One that people seeand one that very few people would recognize. People that know me might say that I am an "open book", but that is only partially true. I am open, but keep a part of me in reserve for my wife, kids, and family. That part of me is utterly and completely in love with my family. That is the part that gets very angry about the derailing that this illness seems to have caused them. Fortunately, my wife has the uncanny ability to pull the blinders off of me and remind me that over the last year or so, our family has grown even closer than we have ever been. We have gotten to know each other better than we might have taken the time to otherwise. I sit in amazement at the conversations I am able to have with my kids. My wife is truly the best friend I have ever had. I understand now what "ONE" means in a marriage. Don't get me wrong, we still have our battles, but we separate the issue from anything personal. The part that came after the anger of a few days ago, was the sadness at the magnitude of the gifts I have been given. Blessings upon blessings poured out upon me. Only to understand that these wonderful gifts make the loss of them so much harder to bear. But, I would not have it any other way. So I broke down a little tonight. I wondered if I had done something to bring this on or if there was a purpose I was not yet able to understand. But just like I didn't do anything to be blessed with the many gifts I had been given, I understand I did not do anything to deserve cancer. It is just life and we all get a crack at it to do the best we can with what we are given. I don't have any moral conclusions tonight. The one thing that I have learned, though, is that I am not unique and others have similar thoughts and confusion. There are no easy answers to life's tougher questions, but we don't ever walk alone. Sometimes the greater the blessings, the tougher it is to realize that you will someday have to give them up. I only pray that God sees my family the way that I do. Then I know they will always be protected.

Day before Chemo II

Tomorrow will be my second chemo treatment and I have to say it has gone pretty smoothly so far. I have felt well through this whole cycle and have not had to battle side effects. They tell me that the side effects are cumulative, so as I continue through these cycles, I may have more to deal with, but we take it day by day anyway, so if it happens, it will be dealt with. On the Hair Front, it has started to noticeably thin. To just look at it, it isn't overly noticeable, but if I run my fingers or a brush through it, I end up with a fair amount that has come out. It started on Saturday and has picked up speed. I don't know if it will all fall out or just continue to thin, but if it all falls out, I'll wear a hat. I will have blood work tomorrow and see the doctor also. I am hopeful that the lab results will correlate to the way I have been feeling, and my PSA will have dropped. I will update that part in a few days. A couple other things, please say a prayer of thanks for my good friend Sharon B. in Salt Lake City. She knows that this trial could have been much harder if not for her willingness to help us. She is very much appreciated. Also a prayer for my friend, David E, who fights the same battle. He is an inspiration and at a crossroads in his treatment. I wish him all the best that I can for him and his family.
B.

Day 11 after Chemo

Probably seems like a little overkill updating the uneventful, but for one, I'm very glad it is uneventful. So far I have felt really well. Better than even before the chemo. I would compare it to the pain that I felt before I had radiation on my hip last summer. Lots of pain before, and relief pretty quickly after the treatments started. This is kind of like that. The second reason is that I want to journal how it went for me at various stages for anyone else that needs to decide on this type of treatment. All of us are different, so I am not sure what anyone else's experience might be, but on Day 11 after the 1st treatment, I am pretty happy with the present direction.

Chemo status

My last post said that the low point was Days 3-5 after the chemo infusion, but it looks like the "Nadir" or low-point of the immune system is days 5-9 after the infusion. That would start today. So far, it has been a non-issue. I feel a little more fatigue today than the last couple of days, but still better than I did before the chemo started. I told my wife before chemo that I just did not feel good and hoped that I would feel better. My prayers were answered. I have felt more like myself since the chemo and steroids. There has been no hair loss, yet. They say that that usually happens 3-4 weeks after the first treatment. My luxurious locks are yet intact. I would have to say that, so far, and we are early in yet, this treatment is better tolerated than some of the oral medications and IVs that I have had so far. Other than that, things are peachy. We are staying with my Brother, His Wife, and their son. It has been a huge blessing to stay with such giving people. Before that, we were lucky enough to stay with the same Salt of the Earth type people like my Mother and Father in Law, and before that, my Mom and her husband. This has been going on for over a year, and we continue to be blown away by the generosity and actions of family and friends. Our Christmas at my Dad and his wife's home invited cousins, aunts, uncles, etc that were great to visit. It is such a shame to have to put up with cancer to recognize the true blessings the beautiful people around you! We are truly blessed and loved. And we love them all right back!!!

Chemo started today

I had my first chemo treatment today. They have this stuff down to a science. I have not had any nausea, but they dose you up with steroids at the time of infusion, so you feel pretty good. The true test is days 3-5. That is when your immune system is at it's weakest and you feel the fatigue. The fatigue is cumulative, so it will increase as I go through more cycles of chemo. Right now the plan is 4 cycles and we hope to see some good results after 2 or maybe 3 infusions. It generally works on about 45% of patients. While that does not seem high, it is much higher than other treatments. We are continuing to work with some alternative treatments in conjunction with the chemo, with the guidance of our doctors. We are blessed with some open-minded professionals. I will write more about the effects of this treatment as they present themselves in the hope it will help others in their decision making. Thanks to David E at The_Big_C for all of his insight into my decision to have chemo. His blog is linked at the right and indispensible for all those with cancer, especially but not only, prostate cancer. By sharing this information, we can find real answers.
My best to all!
Brian.

After searching for treatments and working with several doctors, we accidently stumbled onto a really good one. My regular oncologist informed us that they had just hired a Urological Oncologist that used to head the department at a very good University Hospital. She said we should meet with him and consider transfering care. We met with him on Thursday and were very pleased with his knowledge and demeanor. I had a bone scan the same day so we went over the results and were glad to see that the bone mets were stable. We discussed the CT scan and he was concerned about the progression in the soft tissue. My PSA also had doubled from 15.3 to 31.1 in just three weeks. He feels that chemo is the only real option right now. I will also see a Urologic Surgeon next Tuesday to talk about a stent in my right kidney. It will probably be needed at some point, but we have to weigh the greatest priority, the stent or chemo. It the priority is chemo, I will begin treatment on Thursday, January 6th. It will be every 3 weeks for 4-6 treatments. I'm not really nervous about it and I hope it will alleviate some of the symptoms I have had lately.
As we start the new year, I have only 2 resolutions. I will always pray for a miracle, but never forget to live each day as best I can and those that I love will never wonder about it.
Brian.