I wrote this post on about December 15, 2010 in my notebook. After reading it again, there are some important feelings here that I think need to be shared, even if it is out of order a bit.
December 15, 2010
Tonight is one of those nights that I feel like I have something to important to get out, but can't put my finger on what exactly that it is. I had some pain in my lower stomach last month and was fairly certain that the cancer was on the move again. When the bloodwork confirmed that the PSA had risen from 2.8 to 16.6, I was not shocked. The Doctors increased my dosage of Ketoconozale to the maximum and the pain subsided a bit. The PSA quickly dropped to 10.7. Over the last couple of days, the pain is back, with an increase in duration and intensity. Nothing terrible. Many have had much worse, but the pain is a reminder. Kind of like an alarm clock. When you feel like you finally fall into that deep, restful sleep, the alarm blares and lets you know that your brief respite from reality is over and it is time to face it again. This particular dose of reality has not been well-received by me, unfortunately. A couple of days ago, when the pain came back, I was angry. Angry at the rug being pulled out from under my life. Angry that a long term decision in my life can only be 2-3 months in the future. Really angry that this circumstance has frozen the lives of the 3 most important people on this planet to me, my wife and 2 kids. I have always been very independent, many times traveling the road less traveled, with mixed results. I know now that there are 2 sides to me. One that people seeand one that very few people would recognize. People that know me might say that I am an "open book", but that is only partially true. I am open, but keep a part of me in reserve for my wife, kids, and family. That part of me is utterly and completely in love with my family. That is the part that gets very angry about the derailing that this illness seems to have caused them. Fortunately, my wife has the uncanny ability to pull the blinders off of me and remind me that over the last year or so, our family has grown even closer than we have ever been. We have gotten to know each other better than we might have taken the time to otherwise. I sit in amazement at the conversations I am able to have with my kids. My wife is truly the best friend I have ever had. I understand now what "ONE" means in a marriage. Don't get me wrong, we still have our battles, but we separate the issue from anything personal. The part that came after the anger of a few days ago, was the sadness at the magnitude of the gifts I have been given. Blessings upon blessings poured out upon me. Only to understand that these wonderful gifts make the loss of them so much harder to bear. But, I would not have it any other way. So I broke down a little tonight. I wondered if I had done something to bring this on or if there was a purpose I was not yet able to understand. But just like I didn't do anything to be blessed with the many gifts I had been given, I understand I did not do anything to deserve cancer. It is just life and we all get a crack at it to do the best we can with what we are given. I don't have any moral conclusions tonight. The one thing that I have learned, though, is that I am not unique and others have similar thoughts and confusion. There are no easy answers to life's tougher questions, but we don't ever walk alone. Sometimes the greater the blessings, the tougher it is to realize that you will someday have to give them up. I only pray that God sees my family the way that I do. Then I know they will always be protected.
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