Cliffhanger Resolution

I know that my last entry was a bit of a cliffhanger. To clear the rest of the story, my Doctor told me that it is likely that I have a year or less to live. This is based on the short amount of time that any treatment has been effective and the mostly ineffectiveness of the last few modalities. It is truly amazing how the mental progression of this disease brings about different perceptions and epiphanies. I guess it is similar to the steps of grief. Denial can go on for awhile, leave and come back. Anger is an occasional visitor, varying in intensity. Acceptance comes, but in stages and levels. Different depths. Usually with a little depression and anger thrown in to spice it up a bit. The Doctor did not volunteer this timeline. He even added the disclaimer that he is not, nor has ever been, in possession of a crystal ball. But we did not have to push very hard to get this prognosis. So now the philisophical question of "What would you do if you had 1 year to live?" becomes a little more interesting. First of all, it is a guess. Educated yes, but still a guess. So does this even change anything? Yes, and no. No because people outlive their prognosis on a daily basis. Yes because it knocks you back on your heels enough to require a fresh look at what you are doing and when the real last day comes, was it relevant and meaningful, to me. It has to be to me because at that point, the rough draft becomes the final draft, and there are no more re-writes. So secondly becomes, if this news is more or less accurate, how does my focus narrow to lock in on the meaningful and relevant? I am a planet that revolves around my family. That means going over financial, estate planning, and funeral plans. These things are important for any family with children, but my sense of urgency to complete them has grown. The bigger part of my family's needs must be met by postings like these and the journals that I keep for each of my children and my wife. I am working on videotapes of me explaining to my children my beliefs and values that I hold dear. Sometimes the written word isn't the best way to convey the love and hope that I have for them. Or the pride and joy that glows on my face when I talk to them or about them. That is what they need more than anything that I can tell them. My love for them is so intense and strong that it glows like a thousand suns when I speak to them and teach them. Mostly what news like that does is remind us all that we have a series of "Todays". Mine may be around 365, or so. Others may have even less. Hopefully all that read this will have many, many more. It isn't about how many we have, it is the blessing and responsibility of treating it for what it is. A gift from our Heavenly Father. If I wake up tomorrow truly thankful that I walk the earth for another day with my soulmate, marvel in the 2 beautiful children we are raising, acknowledge the love, the joy, the comfort, the fulfillment, the support, and the incredible peace that comes from all of those blessings, that is a pretty amazing day. I'll take as many as I can get. One Today at a time. After a bunch of Todays has come and gone, and it is time to go, my last minute will be with complete and utter certainty, my life was relevant and meaningful.

Latest CT and Labs

Well, the Abiraterone looked promising but now appears to be having a minimal effect. We will be talking to the Radiation Therapist to see if we can target the large tumor near my bladder. It showed an increase in size on the latest CT along with a number of enlarged lymph nodes in my abdomen. The doctor informed me that we will be looking at pain relief and quality of life treatments. Even though he will have the XL-184 trial in a few months, he feels that additional survivability is no longer the main, or most likely goal. He will continue to treat with whatever he can, but my lack of response to hormonal treatment, chemo, and other newer treatments leads us to the logical conclusion that we need a miracle now. I hope that we can find something to slow this train down or time will be shorter than I thought. That's all I can say today. Hope everyone understands.

B.

Even though it is still early in the process for Abiraterone and Predisone, the doctor ordered a PSA for last week. After 4 weeks on the new medicine, my PSA dropped from 98 to 63. That was welcome news. It looks like the new treatment is having an effect. We will have to see how long lasting and if it can drop the PSA even more! We went to 6 Flags today and mostly stayed in the water park since it was 95-100 degrees. The rest of the week promises more high temps. I felt good and was able to do everything I wanted to do. I am having a great summer so far and I hope that all of you are as well. I will meet with the doctor in 4 weeks with another round of blood work and a CT Scan. The hope is that we will have some measurable reductions in the tumors on the scan to correspond with the drop in PSA. My best to all of you!

B.

Doing Well

I have been on Abiraterone for about 2 weeks and seem to be tolerating it just fine. It is easier to take than Ketoconozale, even though it is similar. I take it just once a day on an empty stomach instead of 3 times daily and the Predisone that I take with it seems easier on my stomach than the Hydrocortisone that I took with the Keto. We have been to Six Flags a couple of times and have really been enjoying some active family time. I feel the fatigue a lot more than I used to, but still manage to do most of what I want. We have confined it to the water park so far, and avoided the theme park altogether. The kids will want that to change soon, I'm sure. I saw the Urologic Surgeon yesterday and he says that the stent in the kidney will cause more aggravation than help, so he is out of the picture for now. I will be back to see Dr. R, my oncologist, on July 15, but probably won't do any blood work until the middle of August. The pain in my right kidney and bladder is still there, but pain meds keep it under control most of the time. Hope all of you are having an active and enjoyable summer.

B.

Anniversary

Today was our 15th Wedding Anniversary. Amazing how times fly by. Even though we didn't do anything too special, we decided to observe the holiday next week while the kids are in camp. Not sure what we will do, but we will set aside some time for us to enjoy the 15 years we have spent together. We had a good marriage before this cancer, but it has somehow intensified our relationship into something we consider sacred. I feel the love she has for me in so much more of an eternal and spirtual sense. I feel that through this trial, our family has become one. So while I am generally not in favor of testing your marriage through serious illness, ours has prospered. On a medical note, I started Abiraterone and Predisone today. It took a couple of days to work it through the insurance. A one month's supply is $6,100. We have heard stories of copays of $3 up to $5,900. So we weren't sure what we were up against. The copay for us ended up $200 per month. Not ideal, but not a dealbreaker either. So here we go on this treatment. It has shown to drop PSA and stabilize disease so we will see. I will probably PSA test in 8 weeks and see if a CT is necessary at that point. Pray for a good response. We really need it. We are going through all of the options very quickly and have only a few left after this. All my best.

Brian.

Moving on...

I had my CT Scan and Labs on Wednesday and met with the doctor on Friday. It seems that the effects of the Chemo were very short lived and my cancer has progressed. I thought from the pain in the bladder and guts that it might have and that was confirmed. The tumor from the prostate is growing further against the bladder putting a pinch on it that is pretty painful without pain meds, so I am back on the regular schedule of hydrocodone and morphine. The morphine works well, but I fight fatigue with it. No other choice right now. I go to see the surgeon on July 5th to see if there are some other options to take some of the pressure off of my bladder and other guts. The PSA came back and, while I knew it would be up, it surprised me by jumping from 14, 8 weeks ago, to a 98. That's doubling 2 and a half times in 8 weeks. So what this means is that it is obvious that Taxotere has done what it could and we need to move quickly to Abiraterone or Zytiga. Same drug. Abiraterone is the clinical name and Zytiga is the brand name. It has had some nice success for people like me. It is another hormone blocker, but this one stops the Adrenal Gland from producing testosterone and also the cancer cells themselves from producing their own hormones. Tricky little devils aren't they? It was found that the cancer cells can produce their own testosterone among many other things, including cholesterol. So that is what a cancer patient is up against. Highly aggressive, highly adaptable, rapidly multiplying. I was going to write this update last night, but I received an email that took all of the energy out of me. A man named Ted that I was in Reno with and shared experiences and treatment options with passed away. While I only knew Ted for a short time, the loss felt substantial. We sat next to each other for 2 weeks, 6 hours a day in Reno and talked about everything. He fought Lung Cancer(worked in Auto Body for many years) with everything that him and his wife Kim had. They are an example of marriage that how-to books should be written about. If you want to learn what marriage is really all about, hang around someone that has been diagnosed with a serious illness or disability. The ones that tell you that they have a good marriage are not giving it enough credit. You could not have found selfishness in Ted and Kim's marriage with a microscope. They are such an inspiration to my wife and I and I pray for Kim's strength and support. She has fallen hard because she and Ted flew so high. I will miss Ted and I hate this disease for its uncanny knack for taking the best ones.

All for now.

B.

More tests next week...

The last few weeks have been pretty quiet. I have run into a couple times when I wish I was feeling a little better, but mostly have been able to get done what I needed to. I go back next Wednesday for a CT and Labs and to meet with the Doctor on Friday. The pain seems to be present much more often as well as some fatigue, but we seem to have gotten a handle on most of it with medicine. I have been hearing from more and more people out there with different types of cancer. I appreciate the emails. I think it is good for us to know how others are making improvements in their lives, even emotional, if not physical. It is a comforting feeling to know that even though you would never wish this on anyone, you have others to lean on when you need it. Thank you so much for all of you that continue to write and/or comment!

Will let you know about tests next week!

Best to all!

Brian.