Lost

Sometimes I wonder if this is all real. Is the cancer real and is my life really threatened by it? I know these things are true, but sometimes, a lot of the time, it seems like a really bad dream. I am one of those restless people that are continually striving towards something. It was the reason that my family relocated more times than I care to remember, even though I would not give up any of them due to the friends that I made at each and every one of them, many that follow these writings. Lately I am caught in the middle of living and dying. I have written brave words about living, and I walk that walk most of the time, but sometimes, like now, I feel lost in my own life. Not sure if I have many years, a few years, or maybe just one or two before the buzzer sounds and it's over. I know that no one is guaranteed anything and any minute could be anyone's last. But there is an invincibility of youth and good health one moment and the next filled with phrases like, "There is no cure" and "We don't know how long you have" and " You have young children? I'm so sorry". I thought the hard part was hearing the news and the initial shock of it all before you get you wits about you again. The hard part is trying to go to sleep, after you have exhausted most of the treatment options, with images of your wife and children crying over a casket with you in it. Then the worries of have I done enough for them. To give them the strength they will need. Peace. Character. Have I been enough of a Dad to make up for not being able to see it through? Will there be enough for them to lean on when they need it most, and I am not there? Have I supported my wife enough that she will be able to get through without her companion? These are the things that occupy my mind right now. I want to have peace with them and move back to living life the way I was intended, but I am truly stuck. Sometimes the fear and anguish of these thoughts keep me from doing the very things that I fear I won't be able to do. How twisted is that? I hate writing these things sometimes and hesitated posting this, but I need to get this stuff out and I know that others that read this blog have similar trials and need to know that they are not alone, and I will not let pride interfere with that. My advice to me is to get out ASAP and do something for someone to take my mind off of me. Works everytime. Sorry for the downer. Peaks and Valleys. Peaks and Valleys.

No chemo today

I went in for labs, to see my doctor, and to get my 6th and final chemo today. I told the Doctor that I had some minor tingling (neuropathy) in my right foot and some fatigue. It wasn't anything that I thought to be a big deal, but thought he should know. He decided based on the the last CT Scan that showed stable, but not a decrease, that another treatment might not prove to be beneficial right now, but could impact quality of life issues, so he called it off. If the cancer stays stable for a long period of time (6-8 months) he might re-introduce it. He feels that we have gotten the benefit we hoped for and now it is time to enjoy a treatment holiday. I will go back in 8 weeks for Labs and a CT Scan. If things have progressed at that point, we will look at a different chemo or more likely, Abiraterone. So I am on a wait and see right now. Hopefully the chemo will continue to stabilize things and we can have a somewhat uneventful summer this year. FISHING AWAITS!!!!

All my best!

Brian.

What to do when life is normal...

This is an interesting development. We are in our new home. The Extreme Makeover is almost complete, just down to a few items and then tinkering. My 6th and final (for now) chemo cycle is on Friday. I have been feeling good, with just a little fatigue, but nothing that is changing my lifestyle much. I will be losing my Health Insurance at the end of the month, which seemed traumatic at first, but hopefully is worked out now. So how do you restart the normal? It seems like it has been a journey to this clinic or that, this treatment or that, and living in different places with different family members forever. Really it has only been a year and a half. And while I appreciate, really appreciate, all the family and friends that have stepped up and opened their homes, wallets, and hearts, it is so good to finally be home. I see it in my kids and my wife and I feel it in myself. I have learned so much since this began and I feel like it has prepared me for when the craziness settles down and we try to make a normal life again. As I thought about that today, it scares me a little that I don't know what to do. Good thing I have a wife and 2 kids that I can devote my time to. I love that we can focus on our family and our kids and let cancer move to the back of the bus for awhile. That doesn't mean that I can change my routine or forget about it, but it is nice to put the focus on family instead of disease again. I hope and pray that we continue to get news that keeps me at least at "stable". And I pray for those that don't get to hear that news. I feel peace today. That's good. I pray for peace for you today, too.

Latest CT Scan

The PSA should come back tomorrow, but my bet is that it is in the range of where we were 6 weeks ago. The CT came back as "No significant changes to Feb 18th Scan". These are welcome words because they indicate that the chemo is keeping the lid on the cancer. It did not seem to decrease this time, but soft tissue and bones are stable as of today. I was a little surprised because I have had quite a bit more abdominal pain lately. I attribute it to the labor that we have had to do in remodeling our new home in St. Louis. The only concern is that it is not muscle aches in arms and my back, it is deeper abdominal and bladder pain that had been associated with a progressive disease a few months back. So the scan helped put my mind and my wife's mind at ease, a little, for now. Someone I know said his doctor appointments, while good lately, are like getting little 3 month slices each time the doctor says "No significant change". It is good news, but tempered with the thought of what lies over the next hill. That is why today was a little confusing for me. Undoubtedly good news, but not the exuberance of previous good news. No one knows when their time is up, and for some it happens suddenly. I feel fortunate that I have time, whatever the outcome, to try to understand this, put some things in place, and hopefully share some meaningful experiences to those that may have the misfortune to follow after me. Today, even with the good news, I am trying to accept that I have a reprieve for at least a few weeks before things progress. That is something we all fight for is a chance for a new treatment, maybe a cure, or maybe just a long enough delay to live a near normal length life. But the cancer robs the ability to live a normal life. It is many doctors appointments, side effects, pills, hair loss, injections, infusions, indignities, walking a line with everyone to maintain a regret-free existence, short term plans, etc. Those that know me will know that I am not complaining. This is my place to ponder and come to terms and decisions on where my life is and where it is going. Anyone who reads this is welcome to ride the roller coaster with me. It is meant for those going through the same thing to see this through a different set of eyes. To help, it must be honest. I am hoping that I am getting a little closer to living a "new" normal life. It has to be a balance of accepting this disease and the prognosis, and then also forgetting about it and living life the way I was meant to live it. That is like how a job goes. Put all that you can into it while you are there, but put it away when you get home. Save the best for those that mean the most. These changes are hard to figure out somethimes. Getting cancer was the easy part, living with cancer is hard...

The last couple of days were supposed to be my "down" days after the latest course of chemo. The fatigue had increased with the last couple of doses, so I expected to be knocked down a little since the effects are cumulative. Suprisingly, I have felt pretty good and expect to have our home remodeling done and ready to move into by this week's end. Maybe the distraction was enough to get through it without anything major. I have been tired, but it was at the end of some pretty hard working days, so it was earned. We have been very lucky to have great family to look out after us and give us places to stay through this and a temporary home for our two dogs, Jelly and Lucky while we found a place and readied it. Our heartfelt thanks to all of our family and friends for their support. That said, there is no place like home, and we are looking forward to moving in and having our own place again. I will be getting a CT Scan on March 29th with a follow up doctor appointment on April 1. We will pray for continued results with the Taxotere and wish all of you our very best. All for now.

B.

Had Chemo IV today

I had my 4th chemo treatment today (every 3 weeks) and everything was pretty uneventful. During and after the treatment today though, I was hit by some substantial fatigue. Nothing a little laying around and a nap can't fix, but it was a noticeable change. The Doctor said after a bit the side effects don't increase in severity, but duration. So I will have another CT scan and blood work in 3 weeks to see how this treatment is going. I have also had some pain in my lower abdomen and bladder area that reminds me of when the cancer was growing before the chemo. I believe that it is due to the exertion being used to remodel and ready our house to move into. We have been working really hard and some of the physical aspects of it are things I have not done in awhile. The last CT was positive and that was only 3 weeks ago, so I truly am not too worried at this point. The last thing I will say to all that suffer from this and other cancers is to be responsible for your own treatment and stay informed, but try to acknowledge that this disease is not a car wreck that takes you in a blink. This is God's way of hopefully blessing you with a cure, but if not, Don't "Live your life like you are dying" as the country song goes, Live and love your life like you are living. Accept and deal with the trials when they need to be addressed. When nothing can be gained by living in that mess, go live with meaning. Mostly that can be accomplished by doing something for someone else to take your mind off of your issues. You would be amazed what others have battled through and won. The cancer might take your body, but don't give your mind and spirit even when the battle and the war is lost. We are meant to love and be charitable. That is what takes us out of our funk. If you are looking to help anyone, pick a prostate cancer research group. :)
B.

Birthday, etc

I celebrated my 41st birthday last week and had great times with family and some friends. Nothing wild and crazy, just some low-key visits. The 3rd round of Chemo was not too bad, but the fatigue effects have definitely increased with each cycle. It only hits for a day or two, about 6 or 7 days after the infusion, but it takes me down a bit. Luckily, just fatigue and not really any nausea. We have finally bought a house. It took awhile to make the decision with all of this, but it comes down to "Get busy living, or get busy dying". I've been told that by a few people including David Emerson. They are all correct. This is a chronic disease that the outcome and the timing are all uncertain. I owe my family and myself the opportunity to live my life with meaning and purpose. It gets very tiring looking over your shoulder all the time wondering if you have the right to make long term decisions. All decisions have to have merit. So we think about things we need, make sure that we can handle whichever direction that God points us in, and get going. I enjoy the scenery much more than I used to appreciate it, but that doesn't mean I have all day to stare at it! If your life lacks purpose, find some and put it in there! Other than that, all is well. The PSA dropped from 31 back down to 13 after 6 weeks of Chemo, so by the technical view, I have responded very well to treatment. Let's hope that continues for a good long while.

B.